Top Ten signs that you’re reading a really bad Callica fanfiction

by Geri

So how do you know when you’re up for a really bad read?

10. It starts with talks of threesomes and an elevator kiss.

See, Mark, too much for yah.

9. Callie starts screwing Mark Sloan to prove her heterosexuality.

8. After Callie decides what she wants and kisses Erica, you have to wait for four months for the next installment.

7. After the long wait, you observe that Callie and Erica are awkward around each other, avoiding each other preferrably by covering one’s face with a newspaper.

That typo sure looks interesting.

6. Callie panics during an operation and Erica manages to calm her down using her rich, rich voice that drops atleast one octave lower and by staring at her with her blue, blue eyes. (Not yet proven to be feasible. Needs Mythbusters attention.)

Can somebody else's eyes get any bluer?

5. When Erica asks Callie out on a date, the latter begins to talk about borders and embassies.

4. Callie asks Mark Sloan for sex lessons.

3. When Erica starts to be emotional and exclaims that she’s extremely gay, Callie runs off to screw Mark Sloan. TWICE. On the same day.

2. After going through the trouble of writing everything, the writer kills the storyline, with Erica walking off towards her car after uncharacteristically telling Callie that she can’t kind of be a lesbian.

1. You find no disclaimer stating that the writer is not making any profit from writing the story. You also don’t find “Story, characters and plot are owned by Disney, ABC and Shonda Rhimes et al” in the disclaimer. You find it in the opening credits.

Banner made by Magie Amoureuse.

The Doctor is Out: Brookegate, Prop 8 and the Worst.Lesbian.Week.Ever

Nope, they're not gay, Erica, you are.

by Geri

Erica Hahn, word-class cardiothoracic surgeon, bad-ass extraordinaire and recently extremely gay doctor on the ABC series Grey’s Anatomy just walked-out of our Sapphic TV viewing nights and into oblivion, never to be heard of again.

In simpler words: The doctor came out and is now completely out of primetime TV. Or, Erica sees leaves and promptly leaves. Whatever. I can probably go on forever to describe ABC’s recent treachery but none of this can change the fact that one-half of Callica is gone without a proper send-off and the actress who played her (Brooke Smith) was axed off the show without further warning.

To teenage lesbians in the Philippines who are caught unaware of this entire drama (good for you!) I’ll recap stuff for you so that you don’t need to watch this crap of a lesbian story-line. To those watching Grey’s Anatomy on Studio 23 because of the Callica storyline, stop it, we are two episodes behind so save yourselves while you still can. Go watch the L Word or something else on Youtube.

Warning: Spoilery ahead!

I have never watched a single episode of Grey’s Anatomy before I heard of Callica on AfterEllen. I almost did when my almost step-cousin almost told me about this hit medical drama (that’s another, longer story). But we come from a place were Mulawin, Encantadia, Darna and other telefantasyas thrive, and I honestly could care less about foreign shows. So consider me snatched away from this naive and innocent TV world and into Shondaland the minute I’ve read about Callica.

So what the hell are Callica and Shondaland? and what the hell am I talking about? First things first, let me introduce you to the characters.

Calliope “Callie” Iphegnia Torres

A good game of Twister

A raven-haired beauty played by the wonderful Sara Ramirez, Callie is an ortho and one time Chief Resident at Seattle Grace Hospital. She was married and later divorced to George O’ Malley. She is known to sleep with Mark Sloan in on-call rooms whenever stressed.

Erica Hahn

Attila the Hahn

Resident Ice Princess and quite frankly my favorite character in the show, Erica Hahn, played by the legendary Brooke Smith, is one of the world’s best cardiothoracic surgeon. Not much is known of her past except that she used to wear glasses as a kid and that Izzie Stevens once stole a heart from her patient’s chest. She’s mean mostly to Cristina Yang because she reminds her of herself as an intern.

Callica

Callica was born out of a pretty whore of a man’s dirty talk. Simply put, Mark Sloan’s dirty talks of threesomes with Callie and Erica.

The Beginning of Callica

Part I

Part II

Part III

Part IV

Part V

So that was the start of what could have been a classic lesbian love affair between two women who aren’t stick thin, Barbie doll prototypes. Shonda Rhimes, creator of Grey’s Anatomy, was excited to see how the relationship would play out in the long run as evident in this article.

When the next season started, things were awkward for both Callie and Erica. Coming face to face with each other for the first time in Season 5, Erica pretended that she was paged somewhere else and ran off without a word, Callie, meanwhile, covered her face with the newspaper she’s been reading.

and then, this happens:

I don’t know how Callie managed to calm down in front of Erica’s blue blue eyes and her gravelly, sexy voice. Is this one of the first signs of crappy lesbian writing ahead?

Later, Callie decides to confront Erica regarding the kiss they shared last season’s finale. We discover that they are both virgins on the Sapphic side. They decide that they can be scared together and promptly walk out of the hospital side by side. Sounds like a promise? Lesson No. 1, when it comes to promises of lesbo-happiness on TV, don’t get your hopes up.

Moving on. Due to Mark Sloan’s McWhoring and getting into other’s McBusiness, we find out that Callie and Erica’s relationship has moved on from the awkward stage to kissing, handholding and lots of late night gab-sessions (whatever that means). Erica had no idea how Mark was let into their dirty little secret. The Cardio Godess decides to confront Callie about it. She learns that Mark has known from the beginning since Callie confides in him. Erica does not like this idea and we learn later that Erica does not like Mark simply because he’s seen Callie naked.

The Motherland

On the fourth episode, Brave New World, Erica asks Callie out on an official date. Callie agrees but fidgets all day in anticipation. As Erica updates Callie on the time and place of their date, she gets even more nervous.

And I can totally understand. Brooke Smith’s voice as it drops an entire octave lower when she says “We’re doing this.” is the birds and the bees. If ever it had a voice, that’s what it would sound like.

Callie informs Bailey that she is going out on a date with Erica Hahn that night. She speaks of her fears using metaphors.

The look on Bailey’s face=priceless

Finally let into the hospital’s newest secret, Bailey observes Erica Hahn totally checking Callie out as the latter boards an elevator with an octogenarian.

Again. The look on Bailey’s face=priceless

After seeing Erica totally smitten with Callie, Bailey gives the Latina some advice on how to deal with the Motherland, and because teen lesbian Philippines is my audience, I won’t post a video nor discuss what in the frillin heck that is. Go figure when you’re of the right age.

Armed with advice from Bailey on how to deal with the Motherland, Callie goes out on THE date in the hottest red dress I’ve ever seen on a curvy woman’s body since I wore mine to our JS prom (hehe, yabang!). Erica and Callie talk of expectations. They decide that the slow route is the best route to the Motherland.

The Sloan Method

Lesson No.2: When two lesbians plan on taking things slow, it is most likely that they won’t. After going out on a different date, Callie and Erica finally do what Callie’s so nervous about, the Motherland. Waking up the next day, Callie realizes that she does not like it and asks resident man-whore Mark Sloan for some mentoring.

Seeing Leaves

After a night of successful trekking South of the border and up the Northern Mountains of the Motherland, Erica has a revelation in a scene that will go down the Annals of Lesbian TV History as one of the best. Brooke Smith so deserves an Emmy.

Too bad. After shooting this scene, the powers-that-be inform Brooke Smith that they cannot write for her character anymore. After another episode, she is to be let go. Which brings us to Brookegate.

Brookegate

Remember, remember the third of November

Of ABC’s treason and plot

I see no reason why ABC’s treason

Must ever be forgot

November the 3rd. A Monday. The day Dara of AfterEllen will recap last Thursday’s episode of Grey’s Anatomy. It was coincidentally the day of the freshmen enrollment at UP Diliman so I was not able to read her recaps until I got home at about 4 o’ clock in the afternoon. While waiting in line for the person who’s supposed to validate our forms, a former classmate of mine (who has been a fan of Grey’s since its debut episode) and I began to talk about the upcoming episode, Rise Up. We stood there and speculated wall will happen to Izzie (with me pretending to care), and I stood alone in my own mind and quietly speculated what will happen to Callica on the next episode (He hates Erica. We may all hate Erica but we secretly just want to be her.). The point is, I speculated. We Callica fans had been speculating with high hopes for the entire six weeks that Season 5 has ran. Little did we know that Brooke Smith has been fired from the show way back mid-September. Callica was no more even beforethe season started. Worst still, she was made the villain in her last episode when the truth is, she was the only one in Seattle Grace who thinks the way a doctor should.

The reason she was fired? Apparently, the executives at ABC began to be concerned of the explicit nature their relationship was taking. Explicit? Which couple were they talking about? Mark and Callie? Mark and Addison? Meredith and Derek? Any other couple on Grey’s except Callica? No, they weren’t talking about any of those adulterous, naked and luckily, heterosexual relationships. They were, of course, referring to Callica. The one-chaste-kiss-per-episode Callica. The talk-about-lesbian-sex-using-geographic-metaphors Callica. The have-the-most-amazing-sex-whilst-fully-clothed-in-hideous-outfits Callica. Yup, they were explicit, and John McCain won the election.

There were other factors raised up regarding why Brooke Smith was fired. Erica Hahn is simply not the Hollywood definition of beautiful. She’s not stick thin, young and dumb. She is in fact smart, kick-ass, confident and one of the best cardiothoracic surgeons out there. For Mark Sloan and other men, Erica Hahn is a challenge. You want her not because she’s beautiful (she’s not, the first time you look at her), you want her because you cannot have her, and that’s what makes Erica so attractive. Maybe it is something that the straight audience cannot appreciate. They just couldn’t handle Attila the Hahn.

The point is, whether you like Erica or not, Callica fan or not, this whole issue is ruled by something bigger than just fandom or shipping. This is about homophoba, sexism, looksism, ageism and other isms that are not nice and have no place in a world of tolerance, peace and love. Also, the way they treated Brooke Smith is unfair, unethical and unprofessional. Brooke Smith went as far as to relocate her entire family to LA because of her commitment to her job. Too bad, ABC had to let go of one of the best actresses that ever grazed their studios.

If you care. Kung nabastos ka sa ginawa nila. If you think Brooke Smith deserves to be treated better, then let ABC know what you think.

Click Here for a list of things you could do to help.

One day we all will look back on this and say: They cannot b*shit us the same way that they cannot b*shit Erica Hahn.

Prop 8

After hearing the news about Brookegate and waking up literally sick the next day, I was again faced with bad news bad news and more bad news. No, McCain did not win the election, but the rights of LGBT couples in California and several other states did not win as well. Proposition 8 passed. I just feel so bad for Ellen and Portia and the other gay couples out there who were already married or were given the hope that they can finally marry. Seems like Brookegate was a foreshadowing for what can be considered the Worst.Lesbian.Week.Ever. So much for a first post.