What if Willow and Tara hooked up in 2008?

by Geri

In light of Brookegate (for I know that I can never stop talking about this treachery), what if Willow and Tara hooked up in 2008, in this age of tolerance, equality, social acceptance and an increasing population of lesbian characters on prime time TV?

Willow (Alyson Hannigan) and Tara (Amber Benson) of Buffy the Vampire Slayer are the first ever lesbian couple on prime time TV that involved a regular character. Willow and Tara are portrayed in the show as each other’s true love, in a relationship that spanned more than two seasons, ending with Tara’s death as she was shot by a stray bullet. They are also my favorite couple, as I will elaborate in a different article, but I suggest you do research now (You Tube, Kitten Board), because Willow and Tara is a good investment and would be your first venture into establishing your lesbo street cred.

Tara(left) and Willow(right), your passport to Lesbo Street Cred

So what if these soulmates met today and not back in the year 2000?

• Willow will screw her “person” Xander to prove that she’s not a lesbian.
• After they hook up, Tara will get emotional and tell Willow of her life as a kid; riding horses and being told by her family that her demon side will manifest when she turns 20. Willow will promptly run off to screw Xander. TWICE. On the same day, and will find out that sex with either is awesome.

Good old, loyal Xander

• They would not be naked in bed. EVER. They would refer to wear hideous nightgowns.
• Tara would not have died of a stray bullet at the end of season 6 because Amber Benson would have been fired after the seventh episode for playing a lesbian who’s not Hollywood stick thin.
• Joss Whedon, the creator of the show, would release a statement like: “Miss Amber Benson was clearly not fired for playing a lesbian as there is still another lesbian on the show named Willow Rosenberg.” which no one would actually believe, or something like: “To say that we must not fire an actress because she was playing a lesbian is as offensive to me as to say that she must stay on the show because she plays a straight, boring person.”
• GLAAD would actually back-up these statements, hoping that the show would further develop Willow’s lesbianism
• Willow and Tara’s legion of loyal fans called Kittens (I am one!) would get outraged by this and and send thousands of hate mail and boxes of barbie dolls with genuine molded plastic stamped up their asses to Joss Whedon, Marti Noxon, Mutant Enemy and UPN.

Good thing my favorite couple were stuck at the turn of the new millenium. It’s a blessing!

Top Ten signs that you’re reading a really bad Callica fanfiction

by Geri

So how do you know when you’re up for a really bad read?

10. It starts with talks of threesomes and an elevator kiss.

See, Mark, too much for yah.

9. Callie starts screwing Mark Sloan to prove her heterosexuality.

8. After Callie decides what she wants and kisses Erica, you have to wait for four months for the next installment.

7. After the long wait, you observe that Callie and Erica are awkward around each other, avoiding each other preferrably by covering one’s face with a newspaper.

That typo sure looks interesting.

6. Callie panics during an operation and Erica manages to calm her down using her rich, rich voice that drops atleast one octave lower and by staring at her with her blue, blue eyes. (Not yet proven to be feasible. Needs Mythbusters attention.)

Can somebody else's eyes get any bluer?

5. When Erica asks Callie out on a date, the latter begins to talk about borders and embassies.

4. Callie asks Mark Sloan for sex lessons.

3. When Erica starts to be emotional and exclaims that she’s extremely gay, Callie runs off to screw Mark Sloan. TWICE. On the same day.

2. After going through the trouble of writing everything, the writer kills the storyline, with Erica walking off towards her car after uncharacteristically telling Callie that she can’t kind of be a lesbian.

1. You find no disclaimer stating that the writer is not making any profit from writing the story. You also don’t find “Story, characters and plot are owned by Disney, ABC and Shonda Rhimes et al” in the disclaimer. You find it in the opening credits.

Banner made by Magie Amoureuse.